Loving To Distraction

My mother with fur

Men, too, can develop complex emotional ties with animals. But the nature of the relationship is slightly different. Men often want their dogs to be a reflection of their own masculinity. Anyone involved in spay/neuter efforts has come across men who resist having their male dogs fixed, and relate to the whole procedure in a totally personal way. Others like to be accompanied by tough dogs - canines that strut their stuff with the image that they themselves would like to project to the world.

With female dogs, the relationship is different again. Gavriele-Gold notes that men often tell him that they feel "adored" by their female dogs - in a way they never did by their mother.

And men who find it difficult to break free from traditional male roles and can't easily express their own emotions often find themselves relating better to their pets than their families. Katz followed one successful, affluent Manhattan attorney who rarely spent time with his children but unfailingly woke at 4.40 in the morning to take his dog for a walk. And when the author pressed him on why he seemed more bonded with the dog than with his family, the man admitted that he didn't quite know how to discuss things with his family. With the dog, however, words were unnecessary. "There's no pressure to it, so I don't feel guilty. Whatever we feel, we just feel."

How far is too far?

Desmond Morris is one of the world's most renowned observers of animal and human behavior. He sees the same trend: People anthropomorphize pets to the extreme.

"If you want an animal substitute for human companionship, a dog is the best," Morris says. "They're well suited to be pseudo-human companions. But it's slightly worrying if the dog is given preference to a human companion.

"If there is no other human around - for example, an elderly widow who lost her husband - then a dog can be a godsend. It can save a life and stave off loneliness. But among younger people, who have maybe had a bad experience with a partner or friend and turn to the dog who has no criticisms to offer and is loyal and loving, it's different. When the dog actually becomes preferred to human relations, it can end up blocking those relations. The dog can become not only a psychological barrier, but even a physical one. Dogs have been known to literally climb in bed between two people and block them from making love. They can become jealous of a new partner, and an obstacle to developing human relationships. Dogs are wonderful, but it's not good if they become the preferred choice."

Gavriele-Gold often sees that syndrome in his practice. "I had a patient who told me her dog is psychic," he relates. "He would tell her whether she should be dating a guy. She is sending such hostility toward men through that Pekinese. One poor guy came to her home, and the dog attached himself to the man's crotch. The dog said it all. She didn't have to say anything. One guy survived for two months, but then that was it. The woman had so much personal damage that [she felt unconsciously that] if she just stayed with the dog and let the dog express all of the rage, the world would be a safer place."

But not necessarily for the dogs. And that's something that bothers Katz. "People see their pets as humans with fur - mystics and soul mates - which keeps us from treating them as the wonderful animals that they are. Everyone loves the dogs to death, but there are few people who are asking the question 'Is this good for the dogs?' "

Most experts say it's not.

"Kids can talk back and rebel and leave," says Katz. "You have to talk to their teachers, and they have peers. Dogs are voiceless. We can paint them any way we want. So there is no reality check on our relationship with dogs. We can see them unfiltered, any way we choose. It's why the relationships become so intense."

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