Beyond the
Pentagon
Maintaining
security at Dogtown
By Tomato the Cat – Best Friends Defense
Correspondent
November 2002
In Washington D.C., they have a Pentagon. Pentagons are where you go when
you want to have a big fight with someone else, or when you want to stop
them from having a big fight with you.
Here at Best Friends Dogtown, we don’t have a Pentagon. But we do have an Octagon. In fact, we have 11 Octagons, and more being built.
Octagons
have more sides than Pentagons, which means they’re probably even more
secure. And each Octagon has six big outdoor dog compounds, while the
Pentagon has just one grassy area on one side, and a courtyard thing in the
middle, plus funny little outside areas inside the building itself in case
you need to go out in a hurry. (They have a river, too, on one side, which
is good for dogs that like swimming.)
Although there’s only one Pentagon, it has more kitchens than we have in all the Octagons put together, even though we probably have more dogs in each Octagon than they have in the whole of the Pentagon.
While the people at the Pentagon have more arms, the dogs at Dogtown have more legs. And when it comes to fighting, the dogs also have better teeth.
But most of the people at the Pentagon haven’t been fixed, so they still have their weapons of mass destruction. At Dogtown, on the other hand, the dogs have all been fixed – which is probably why they need more Octagons instead of just one Pentagon.
(In fact, the best weaponry here is not at Dogtown at all, but at the WildCats Village, where the Colonel’s gang of feral cats are all armed to the teeth with claws.)
Secretary of Defense
At
Dogtown, our current Secretary of Defense is Liza.
Liza came to Best Friends after she was seen chasing a pickup truck. Some of us think she was trying to attack the truck, but she insists she was simply running after her family, who had abandoned her.
Liza’s operational HQ is outside Octagon Two, where she growls a lot and launches pre-emptive strikes at people as they pass by. When she reaches her target, she lies down and rolls over – an excellent strategy that invariably disarms the target and wins the day.
In
Washington, D.C., the current Secretary of Defense is Donald Rumsfeld. I
don’t know what he does for homeless dogs and cats, but the previous
secretary, William Cohen, was a big supporter of his local humane
society in Bangor, Maine, and did the dedication when they opened their new
shelter.
Security Matters
Having a Department of Defense is no use unless you have good internal
security systems. That’s why Jingles is in charge of security here –
at least in the kitchen at Octagon One, where she hangs out.
Most people believe that good security involves having a very clear policy on who can be let in and who should be kept out. But the trouble with this system is that sooner or later it always breaks down, and an unauthorized person gets in.
Jingles
has pioneered a much better and simpler security system at the Octagon One
kitchen. It doesn’t involve keys, passes, fingerprint analysis, or any of
that. Her rule is much better: nobody goes in, nobody goes out, and that’s
that.
Jingles also pays a visit to the laundry from time to time, and is trying to institute the same system there.
The Biscuit Wars
Most wars are fought because somebody wants somebody else’s stuff: stuffed
toys, stuffed teddy bears, all kinds of stuff.
Veterans at Dogtown recall the First Stuff War, which led into the Great Biscuit War. That was a long time ago, and thanks to the generally good economic climate at Dogtown, there are no major stuff wars any longer.
But when newcomers arrive at Dogtown, especially if they’re veterans, they often assume that the Second Stuff War is still in progress.
Laddie,
who is a feral dog, came from Bozeman, Montana, and says he is a veteran of
the Second Stuff War, which, he insists, is still going on.
Laddie doesn’t actually fight anything or anyone. In fact, he’s very timid. He lives at the back of Dogtown, where he has his own doghouse, since he’s afraid of other dogs and doesn’t like being indoors. But he still goes on regular raids when no one’s looking, and has collected a large stash of stuff – coffee mugs, food bowls, biscuit boxes – which he guards fearlessly. Once, he even tried to drag a 35-pound bag of dog food back to his doghouse, but he conceded defeat and gave up when he was halfway there.
(Note
to readers: Laddie is not the same Laddie that’s on the back cover of
this magazine. While this Laddie collects booty that you stash away and
guard, the Laddie on the back cover has booties that you wear on your back
feet.)
The Doves
Best Friends has both hawks and doves at our bird sanctuary. The doves tend
to fight more than the hawks. So the fact that Dogtown is a more peaceful
place than almost anywhere else in the world has nothing to do with the
doves. It’s because of Winchester.
Winchester
is a real veteran. He’d been shot in the chest and in the eye when two
teenage boys found him and brought him to the sanctuary. He’s much better
now, but he can’t over-exert himself. So, as head of the Dogtown Peace
Party, he parades around with a stuffed moose, explaining to his pals that
peace is better than war.
Winchester’s campaign has been a great success. He’s already signed up Leroy, who had a tendency to be a bit growly when he first arrived, but who now runs a Peace Workshop for young dogs at the Dogtown Heights Clubhouse. He teaches them the finer ways of life, including dancing to good music, waiting patiently for breakfast to arrive in the morning, and having late-night pillow-wrestling parties.
Guard Duty Training
While most dogs are naturally good at security, others have to learn it.
Sweet
Pea has severe separation anxiety. Once, when she got lonely, she
conducted a suicide mission by leaping through the window of her
second-story apartment in Huntington Beach, California. (Yes, the actual
window – not the open window.)
After that, Sweet Pea came to Best Friends, where she had to have surgery. Then, as part of her rehabilitation, she had to learn how to guard her territory. That way, when she goes to a new home, she won’t get anxious when her family goes out; she’ll just sit quietly and guard the house.
Doctrines & Policies
At the Pentagon, the Powers That Be have decided that it’s best to do unto
others before they can do unto you – or even while they’re still figuring
out what they might be able to do unto you in the future.
This policy can sometimes be quite successful in the short term. But here at Best Friends, the P.T.B. say that everyone tends to be more secure over the longer term if you do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
So if you need good security at home that’s what we recommend for your rules of engagement, however many sides your house has.