Will The Real Aliens Please Stand Up

September, 1999

"I got a hot lead from a newspaper that the Colonel’s Gang are reading at the WildCats Village, Boss," said my investigative assistant, Tammy the Greyhound.

"The Colonel’s Gang reading newspapers?" I asked, suspiciously. Everyone knows that feral cats don’t read proper newspapers. Trashy tabloids are more their style – brash headlines about conspiracy theories, dreadful ads inviting you to call the Psychic Pets Network, and dire predictions about the end of the world and the Y2Kitty problem.

Tammy handed me the newspaper. It was the latest edition of the Weekly World News. "They were all poring over this article, Boss. It says that one in five dogs and cats are descended from space aliens. And if this is true ..."

"That’s a very big if," I interrupted, leafing through the newspaper. "Just look at the rest of what’s in it:

•   UFOs are angels

•    Toilet paper can kill you

•    People float in midair over mystery lake

•    Bulletproof vest saves werewolf

•    A visit to your dentist can make you pregnant.

"Well, that last one could be quite helpful," Tammy suggested. "Maybe people really don’t know that they should always go to the spay/neuter clinic before they go to the dentist. Anyway, if it really is true that one in five dogs and cats are descended from space aliens, then that would mean that we have approximately 360 aliens here at the sanctuary on any given day."

"You think we should try to find out who they are?" I asked.

"The Colonel has already ordered a full count of the cats at the WildCats Village. As of this morning, there were precisely 360 feral cats there."

"Well, that is quite compelling evidence," I agreed.

"He is preparing to issue a statement that all feral cats everywhere are aliens," said Tammy.

I pondered this remarkable development for a few minutes, but something about it just didn’t seem quite right . . .

Continued on next page . . .