The Colonel's Campaign

June, 1999

"I am not going to work for that petty, half-baked, tin-pot dictator," I told my investigative assistant, Tammy the Greyhound, firmly. "And that’s final."

"But this is his third message today," said Tammy. "Are you sure you want me to tell him that you're rejecting his offer?"

The Colonel, you may remember, had come to Best Friends after he was convicted of war crimes by a jury of chickens that had been convened in someone’s backyard.

As soon as he arrived at the sanctuary, he set up his new headquarters at the WildCats Village and declared war. Nobody was ever quite sure exactly whom he was at war with, but he launched air strikes on everyone who was feeding him, fought a no-holds-barred ground war when it came time to have his shots, and refused to negotiate until the enemy had surrendered and the Battle of WildCats Village was over.

"Now that he’s won the war," Tammy continued, "the Colonel has apparently decided to declare peace. And, since he is the Colonel, after all, he is determined to win at all costs. Nobody has ever defied the Colonel and lived to tell the tale."

The Colonel, I will be the first to admit, is not one to be trifled with. He is considered irresistible. He won the peace even faster than he won the war. These days, you can’t go into his headquarters without being smothered in kisses.

"He’s inviting you to join his campaign," said Tammy.

"What campaign?" I asked. "He’s won the war and he’s won the peace. What’s left to have a campaign about?"

"This is top secret, Boss," said Tammy, lowering her voice to a whisper. "The Colonel says that the Treaty of WildCats Village was just the start. He’s been gathering his troops and is planning to declare peace on the entire world."

I sat down, stunned.

Next Page: What the Colonel really had in mind