Tomato’s Acceptance Speech
Delivered at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary
October 1, 2000

Mrs. Pulitzer, Members of Best Friends, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for this extraordinary honor. It will be a source of inspiration and encouragement to cats everywhere who believe that the pen is mightier than the claw. I should add, without meaning any disrespect, that for as long as I have worked as an investigative reporter for Best Friends  magazine, Mrs. Pulitzer has been my mews.

I would also like to thank my investigative assistant, Tammy the Greyhound, without whom none of my reports would have been possible, as well as the inestimable Professor Barkalot, who cannot be here this evening since he is in Ancient Egypt uncovering some remarkable information for my next report.

We live in an age, my friends, where so much is possible. Who would have thought that an alley cat once under sentence of death for attacking some chickens, could today be running for the presidency of the United States? (I speak, of course, of The Colonel, who has so electrified this year’s campaign.)

And who could have imagined, just a few short years ago, that a charming yet unadoptable young cat named Julius, whose elevator does not go all the way to the top, could become Chairpurrson of the TLC Cat Club and be appointed to the Joint Chiefs of Stuff?

These achievements are, of course, not new. As my investigative reports have shown, cats have been excelling in science and the arts for generations. It was, after all, an apparently nondescript, small, gray, homeless cat, living in eastern Europe in the 17th century, who created the universe one evening after a rather unsatisfactory dinner.

Another stray cat, who wandered into someone’s home in Ancient Egypt thousands of years earlier, so delighted the people in her neighborhood that she was elevated to the position of Great Egyptian Cat Goddess.

In our own time, evidence points increasingly to the fact that millions of cats, whether living in people’s homes or on the streets, are combining their resources to influence the decision makers of our day – an effort that has clearly borne fruit with the Pulitzer Prize Board.

Indeed, your esteemed administrator informed me in his letter that certain members of the Board suspected that having eight rescued cats and dogs in his home could have led to a conflict of interest regarding this prize. I am happy to report that next year this possibility will be eliminated altogether. As I speak, our adoption team is arranging for enough pets to be placed in the homes of Pulitzer Board members to ensure that future decisions will be swift and unanimous.

Today, Mrs. Pulitzer, you have conferred the ultimate recognition upon this column. I can only say that we will do our best to live up to this honor and that you can count on us to get to the root of any scandals with which you may need future investigative assistance.

It is with great pride, then, and in the name of journalistic integrity everywhere, that I accept your most gracious award.

Thank you, and good evening.