Pet Survivor Scandal -- Page 2

Dogalogs and Kittywits
Tammy immediately infiltrated the show to get the whole story. “They auditioned every dog and cat at the sanctuary,” she reported. “Then they chose six dogs and six cats for the first game and announced to the audience that these twelve had been ‘abandoned’ on a desert island and had been divided into two competing tribes: the Dogalogs and the Kittywits.

“How did they choose who got to participate in the show?” I asked.

“They went for a full demographic spread, Boss,” Tammy explained. “They wanted a white one and a black one in each tribe – plus old ones and young ones and pretty ones and crotchety ones.

“And there are a couple of real characters in each tribe, too,” she added. “Like Harry, who loves to wear ladies’ clothes. He was adopted off the island very quickly and we heard from his new person that he won’t go to bed at night unless he’s wearing pajamas.”

“But isn’t it bad for the ratings if someone like Harry gets voted off the island?” I asked.

“Not really,” explained Tammy. “Right now, the audience is focused on a pug-shepherd mix called Lefty who has a Napoleon complex.”

“What’s a pug-shepherd mix?!” I gasped.

“It’s pretty weird, Boss,” Tammy agreed. “And so is he. He can never quite decide whether he’s very big or very small. So he spends half his time bullying the other dogs and the other half running away from them. And there’s Bryson, too, who has separation anxiety and keeps moaning about not wanting to be left alone on the island.

“What about the Kittywit tribe?” I asked.

“They’re dominated by Spud, a grumpy old white cat who used to be in middle management, and Modesta, who was rescued from an electrical pole and now seems determined to drive everyone else up the pole. And there’s Mirage who gets the sympathy vote because she has a liver problem and whenever she gets stressed by the other cats, she throws up.”

The Winning Strategy
“So, who’s going to be the winner?” I asked.

“That’s where it gets complicated,” Tammy explained. Since the PTB are secretly sponsoring the show, they want everyone to be adopted off the island quite soon. On the other hand, we have reason to believe that The Colonel and his Gang now actually own the Psychic Pets Network and that his campaign advisors dreamed up Pet Survivor! as a deliberate strategy to keep the electorate from getting bored during the campaign. So they want to keep the show going for as long as possible.”

“And if The Colonel loses the election?”

“That’s no longer a possibility,” Tammy replied. “As long as everyone keeps watching Pet Survivor!, then The Colonel wins in the ratings, which is, after all, the only thing that matters.”