"This is Hal," announced Tammy. "He's the perfect dog to play HAL the computer. He's very intelligent - as HAL should be. I've taught him his lines and we'd better get started quickly because he'll be up for adoption soon.

"The only thing is," she added, a bit hesitantly, "he's a bit scared of cats and tends to hide under the bed."

I looked around my office which was now our movie set. There were cats everywhere, of course ... And this trembling dog.

"Okay," I announced anyway. "Here's the script, everyone: HAL and Dave head out to Jupiter to investigate the sighting of a Mysterious Black Cat..."

I stopped because before I can even finish saying the words "Mysterious Black Cat," Hal had gone and hid in the corner.

"I'm sorry, Tomato, I'm afraid I can't do that," he whimpered.

"No, no," I said. "You don't say that now. Wait till I say Action! And anyway, you should be calling me Dave."

"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that," said Hal, now trembling all over at the prospect of meeting the Mysterious Black Cat.

"It's just a movie," I answered, becoming exasperated. "Now, after you say your line, we can have our fight to the death."

"I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that," repeated Hal, his nose now pressed into the corner of the room.

"You really can't have a fight to the death, Boss," Tammy agreed. "You can't have Hal being unplugged just because he's not behaving properly."

"Well, get him fixed," I said to Tammy.

"He's going to be fixed," Tammy assured me. "But our next spay odyssey doesn't begin at the clinic till next week."

"This whole movie needs fixing," I muttered . . .

Next: Getting HAL (& the movie) fixed.