Vote Best Friends!
“A biscuit in every bowl.”
November, 2004

Presidential candidate Elvis and V.P. choice Blue address the Best Friends Party convention.

Presidential candidates are always reluctant to tell you who else they’d have in their administration – like their secretaries of defense and state and all that. Maybe you wouldn’t like their choices. Or their cabinet picks might turn them down, which wouldn’t look good.

But at the Best Friends National Convention, in an exclusive interview with the presidential candidate of the Best Friends Party, I obtained a list of all his choices for high office.
By any standard, they make an inspiring list, and while Best Friends magazine cannot endorse any specific candidate, I would certainly recommend that you consider these excellent nominations when you go to the polls.

President: Elvis

Elvis was considered the underdog when he was given up because he tore up the house. He just desperately wants to be loved – just like everyone else who runs for president. So why not vote for him? At least he’s honest about it.

V.P.: Blue
F.D.R. had a disability, too. So let’s not discriminate against Blue, who has neurological problems and had nowhere to go when his rescue group closed down.

He’s just as charming as F.D.R. – especially with the ladies. So the pundits say he’ll be a sure winner with the so-called “security moms.”

Secretary of Da-Fence: Bunny
These days, you’ve got to have someone who’s right on top of da fence. And that somebunny is Bunny. She can be on top of da fence in seconds, and right over it just a moment later.

Secretary of Transportation: Whitey
Who knows more about transportation than Whitey? This 29-year-old pack and trail horse has transported more people and their stuff than you’ve had hot dinners. And when he was finally due for retirement, he was going to be transported somewhere not very nice.

Whitey thinks it’s great for people to go for rides, but that they should stay home more and have picnics on the grass – which is what he does all day now.

Secretary of State: Annabel
When it comes to foreign affairs, you need someone who’s not afraid to fly. Annabel isn’t afraid of flying – she’s just not good at landing because of her feet.

Still, she doesn’t mind having the occasional foreign affair, and is excellent at making international agreements – and then breaking them.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Eddie
Everyone needs homeland security. Eddie lost his home simply because he was getting old and his family didn’t want to look after him anymore.

So as soon as he’s in charge, no one will have to feel insecure about the future of their homeland – and that’s a promise.

Secretary of Intelligence: Molly
We gather there’s going to be a new cabinet position that’s in charge of the CIA, the FBI, and the NSA. That’s a lot of intelligence, so you need the most intelligent person to run all that.

And no one is more intelligent than Molly the pig. She’s as smart as they come.

Molly arrived at Best Friends one Christmas Eve, when she’d been evicted from her town by a new no-pig law. She made a dive for the Christmas tree, grabbed the one package that had chocolates in it, and had it open before anyone could stop her. And that’s the kind of system we need in place at airports. Molly’s staff pledge to find any weapons of mass consumption that are hiding in people’s baggage – and to confiscate such items and ensure that they’re kept well away from the public.

Secretary of Education: Sundance
Need we say more?

Secretary of the Interior: Charmer
In the interests of full disclosure, Charmer will admit that he really doesn’t know very much about the interior. In fact, when he came to Best Friends, he’d never ever even seen an interior. So he’s still very scared of walking on vinyl floors.

But sometimes you need a fresh, outside view of the interior, and Charmer is giving it his best shot. Plus, if you vote for him, you’ll get someone who really appreciates just how nice a good interior can be.

Housing & Urban Development: Griselda
This department is all screwed up. Urban development is supposed to mean more housing, not less. Griselda was a neighborhood cat who lost her accommodations when the urban development people moved in to “remodel” the neighborhood.
That won’t happen under her administration – period!

Secretary of Labor: Mia
Mia thinks there should be a lot less labor. After all, she was in labor when she was rescued and brought to Best Friends.

But then it turned out to be a phantom pregnancy. (Some say she simply didn’t deliver on her campaign promise …)

Still, she pledges that with ever more spay/neuter, there’ll be a lot less labor during her term!

Drug Czar: Boogie
Boogie was hooked on drugs when he arrived at Best Friends.
He’s off the habit now, and thinks everyone should be.
Except that he’s already showing signs of caving in to the very powerful and popular Legalize Catnip lobby.
On balance, we’re still voting for him.

Secretary of Agriculture: Sammie
Sammie wasn’t feeling too well, so someone had the bright idea of taking him to the greenhouse to recuperate. Yummy!

He’s now seriously into agriculture and wants everyone to eat more greens.

Department of Justice: Justice
Justice is blind. And so is Justice.

And it was a great injustice when this kitten was left to fend for herself at the side of a Florida canal teeming with deadly coral snakes. So she promises a whole department of Justice in her administration.

And thank you for voting for Best Friends!