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No More Homeless Pets Forum
July 14, 2003 Coping With Emotions |
How can you cope with the emotions we all experience as animal rescuers? Clinical psychologist Dr. Linda Harper talks about understanding and managing emotions and explores how to transform passion into action to help the animals.
Introduction from Dr. Linda Harper:
Amazing life-changing power lies within the animal lover's heart -- although sometimes our compassion for our furry friends can feel more like a burden then a blessing.Do you sometimes feel like you are on a rollercoaster with your emotions when it comes to the animals? Successfully rescuing an animal in need can bring tremendous joy, but that same strong desire to help often leads to feelings of frustration, sadness, guilt and anger (usually toward people!).
As a clinical psychologist and self-help author, I often offer insights and advice to help people to better understand and manage the variety of emotions that comes with this love of animals, including the importance of self-care and taking a break! Turn your compassion into action and discover how your love for animals can transform your life and theirs -- while helping to create a kinder world for all living creatures.
Questions
Bitter feelings towards people surrendering animals
Handling calls for help when you are overwhelmed already
Balancing hands on care with long term planning and growth
Ideas and perspectives for managing our emotions about the loss of animal life
More on euthanasia issues
Making the decision to euthanize
When an animal dies
Being on a rollercoaster of emotions
Helping animals when you are extremely sensitive to animal issues
Encouraging people to help
Keeping your emotions in check so you don't take them out on others
Taking on more than I can handle
Being understanding to callers without absorbing their emotions yourself
Difficulty letting go of rescued animals
Bitter feelings towards people surrendering animals
Question from a member:
I answer the phones for an all-volunteer group quite a bit and find myself starting to judge every caller wanting to place their animals. I am sure that some have very good reasons for doing so, but it seems that so many people are just trying to unload the animals because they don't fit in their lifestyle anymore or they have a simple behavioral problem but the people won't even take the time to try to work on it. I don't want to judge everyone but I find myself feeling bitter towards people wanting to surrender their pet and don't know what to do to stop these feelings.Response from Linda:
Your feelings toward these callers are very understandable. Animal lovers report these kinds of feelings to me (in all different degrees of intensity!) all the time.For the animal lover, like yourself, it is completely natural for you to feel like pets are part of the family and we deal with whatever the problems might be - for better or for worse. Even the homeless animals we hear about or meet for only a short time capture our hearts: We feel connected to them as part of a big family on earth and want the best for them, too. And this value is something we should feel proud of and cherish. But it also makes it difficult for us to relate to someone who is treating a family member as "dispensable". Perhaps you could look at this as one of your emotional/spiritual challenges at this time in your life: to try to develop some understanding of this view and these people (that doesn't mean you agree with it or condone it). Here are some tips that might help:
Remember, the bottom line is you want to help the animals in any way you can. Keeping this in mind will help keep you from yelling or "spouting off" or lecturing the caller - all responses that do no good for the animal and usually gives animal rescuer's the label of "fanatic" or "people haters".
I look at these callers as persons who are "missing out" on such a wonderful part of life and who have for some reason not yet developed this deeper capacity to love and to care and to appreciate the wonderful gifts their pets are bringing them. It's kind of sad. Perhaps this lack of development is related to some difficult life experiences they have had and a lack of love they have received in their lives.
We can look at ourselves as educators to these people as we advocate for the animals. We can gently inform them about how animals feel about leaving their homes while offering them options for problem solving. People are more likely to listen if they are not being scolded. Even if they still surrender the animal, it will help you feel like you are being true to your authentic nature, and it may effect their behavior toward animals down the road.
If it's possible for your particular group, perhaps the person could be asked to make an appointment and come in and talk about the situation. At a conference in California I learned from Nathan Winograd of Tompkins County SPCA that when callers were required to make an appointment and come in and talk about possible options when surrendering their pets, that 30 percent of the time, the animals stayed in the home.
Finally, how about taking a few more breaks from the phone? Can you share this job with a few more volunteers? Can you limit or reduce your phone time and increase the time you spend interacting with other animal lovers who will remind you of the good things that people do for animals?
Good luck and thanks for all you are doing for the animals!
Handling calls for help when you are overwhelmed already
Question from Shannon:
We are a small foster group and one of the few in our community who takes strays (the others only take owner-surrenders). So we get very overwhelmed very quickly with calls. We are already way beyond our limit but when we get calls about animals in danger or bad situations we can't turn away because no one else will help. As a result, all of our fosters are at burnout stage. Do you have any suggestions?Response from Linda:
When Faith Maloney and I give our workshop on "surviving burnout" at Best Friends conferences we are often presented with situations similar to yours. I so much admire you and your group's dedication and love for the homeless animals and appreciate what you are doing. I wish I had the magic answer to your problem that would keep everyone happy but there really isn't one because although the No More Homeless Pets movement in this country has made great strides and tremendous progress, there are still more animals in need than persons to help. It's important for you and your group to realize that you did not create this problem, but are part of a wonderful team of animal lovers throughout the world trying so hard to make a difference in the lives of animals. But nobody can do it all. And if you try to do it all, you will definitely burnout and then you won't be able to help at all. That would be a great loss to the animals, other dedicated animal lovers, and to the growth of this movement.It's important to find some ways to say "no" that you can all live with. One of the best ideas that I have heard and seen put into action comes from Best Friends. They have a booklet How to Find Homes for Homeless Pets (.pdf) that you can recommend to your callers who have found a stray to help empower them to take on the responsibility of the stray, rather than just giving the animal to you. I know this won't always be received receptively, but if you explain to some of the callers your limitations and offer to give them plenty of coaching and various ideas and options to return a lost stray to its home or find one a new home, it can often work out to be a wonderful gift to that person as well as lightening your load. I have seen many new animal rescuers created through this process! And I have seen some of these callers decide to volunteer at the place that gave them the suggestions to handle the stray themselves!
Meanwhile, I can't emphasize enough that you and your group must take care of yourselves - even if it might mean reducing the hours that the volunteers answer the phone! You may also want to have a good heart-to-heart, self-reflecting talk with all of the members of your group and determine which of you might have the personality to be firmer about saying "no" and empowering the caller to help. Perhaps that person can develop some phone call protocols or be the main call receiver for a while. All of you need breaks from the phone and also need to assess what is truly a manageable number of animals to foster for each person - for the good of the animals, and the foster, and his or her family. Then that limit needs to be honored.
It seems to me that most of the wonderful animal lovers and rescuers I have met are willing to give their ALL - 100 percent and then a little more for the animals - but this just doesn't work in the long run. We will eventually burn out. We must take care of ourselves if we are going to be of any long-term help to the animals - it really must be seen as our responsibility, and as hard as it might sometimes be to set limits, we must take care of ourselves so that we can continue to help the animals. And as a group you might want to strongly encourage each other to set limits and take care of yourselves.
Balancing hands-on care with long-term planning and growth
Question from a member:
I am the president of a foster group. I see the need for long-term planning with spay/neuter programs and outreach but am also wrapped up in fostering and rescue. The problem is that I get so wrapped up in hands-on animal care that I am exhausted and don't have time to plan or make long-tem goals. I want to see a day when I don't have a house full of fosters because we are making progress, but I feel that if I don't do the hands-on fostering and rescue, the rest of the group will think I am not pulling my weight and doing what I should. I'd really like to get away from the hands-on but feel very guilty like I would not be leading by example with the group and lose respect. Right now I am not doing either well but don't know how to balance.Response from Linda:
Running a foster-care group is a wonderful thing you are doing for the animals. Thanks! But it sounds like it might be time for you to change your role and responsibilities as the president of the organization. I've learned from my own personal experience and from many clients throughout the years, that whenever you start to feel like you are doing two or more things at once and feel like you "are not doing either well" - it is time to look again at what you are doing and consider a change.It sounds like you are frustrated because you have an important vision for the growth of your organization, but no time to take the steps to make it happen. I would suggest taking some time to developing a personal plan and one for the group where you reduce the hands-on foster care so you can spend more time on enhancing the group's growth. I understand that you feel it is important to "lead by example" but you have already done that. You may want to present your ideas, vision and plans to the group with the steps you feel are needed to accomplish that and get others involved with the steps as well. If you reduce your hands-on work and there are a few who feel you are not "doing your share," so be it. They will just have to feel that way and you can't let that stand in your way when you feel you really must move the organization along. Sometimes a true visionary sees what is needed before the others do - and it's important to be true to yourself.
It seems like you are feeling that you are not using your particular gifts of vision and growth to best help the animals and I want to encourage you to do that. It's an important part of any developing organization and you obviously have the passion and desire to use those gifts to help the animals.
Are there some particular members that you can put in charge of direct foster care? Can you restructure your organization to have coordinators of different kinds, based on the various needs of the organization and people's strengths and interests? In this restructuring and division of roles, it may be easier for different members of your group to better serve the animals and the organization according to their particular gifts. Perhaps you can continue doing some direct foster care at first, but then taper off as the new "coordinator of foster placement" takes on this leadership role. Or you can make the change all at once - whatever is your comfort level. Please listen to what your feelings are telling you and honor your vision and go for it!
Ideas and perspectives for managing our emotions about the loss of animal life
Question from Liane:
I work with animals on a volunteer basis through animal care and control and when I have to go on to Rainbow Bridge, I look forward to seeing the animals cross the Bridge into Heaven with me. I love all the animals. How do I deal with it when friends, neighbors, and family members tell me it was only a dog or cat? That hurts. I post on petmem.com so a candle will be lit in their memory, for they did not live long enough to get a forever home. But I was by their side talking to them telling them how beautiful Rainbow Bridge is and how I will see them soon. My sons and family members and neighbors think that I am taking it to the extreme, but I do not.Response from Linda:
Your feelings about the Rainbow Bridge show me that you have already begun to formulate ways to manage your emotions about losing a beloved animal. And I think it's wonderful that you are sharing those thoughts with the animals too! Here are a few other ideas to add to the insight you already have.Ideas and Perspectives for Managing Our Emotions About the Loss of Animal Life :
Speaking as an animal lover myself and also speaking for all of my animal-loving friends, colleagues, clients and workshop participants, managing the intense and wide range of emotions that come with euthanasia and death of the animals we love and care for and fight for has got to be one of the greatest battles and challenges for all of us. I've certainly been there myself and know that fear of feeling like the tears will never stop; I empathize with the heartache that all of you are talking about. I wish I had the words of wisdom that could take that pain away, but no such words exist. But I can offer some different perspectives to consider that might help.
First: These feelings are normal. Along with a greater capacity and passion to love and get attached and care, also comes that same degree of intensity to feel loss and sadness. In other words, when we fully embrace life and allow that passion we have for the animals to be present in our work--volunteering, playing and loving our furry friends--it is only natural to feel passionate when we lose them or cannot save them. And when people say, "It's only a cat" or "It's only a dog," I know that they simply do not understand what a gift our bond with animals truly is. I don't even try to talk them into thinking differently.
Second: Although we all share a common bond of loving the animals and wanting to help, emotions are unique to each of us and we need to find the ways that work for us. How one person comes to term with death or euthanasia may not at all be a way that helps you. It's important to get to know yourself and where you can find comfort and then honor those needs within you. I think for many of us, that comfort can only come from our beliefs in a greater vision and purpose for all of the human and animal souls. I personally like to imagine that the animal whose life is cut short on earth, is enjoying a wonderful life beyond, where he or she can continue to love and be loved in a different way than we necessarily understand but can still be part of us. I believe they are continuing to live out their purpose but from a different place.
Third: Sometimes, however, if you feel really stuck with the emotions of an animal friend that has passed away, and find that these feelings are only getting more obsessive (especially if the guilt does not seem to stop) and these emotions are getting in the way of living a fulfilling life and enjoying your other human and animal relationships, it could be helpful to get some counseling. Professionals who work with grief have discovered that it is common for the emotions of one loss to attach themselves to another previous loss, and that can feel quite overwhelming - sometimes these feelings need to be sorted out through the counseling process.
Fourth: You may need to change the way that you are volunteering/working for the animals if your particular way of helping is exposing you to situations that are just too much for you to deal with emotionally. There are plenty of different ways to help and it is okay to not be able to do all aspects of rescue - or to take a break from one part of it for a while.
More on euthanasia issues
Question from Holly:
I work at an open-admission shelter. I take the pictures of the animals that come in that are up for adoption. I put them on petfinder.com, our website, and local newspaper. I've really enjoyed doing this because it has worked very well at getting them adopted. However, quite often I no more than get them posted on Petfinder, sent to the newspaper, or contact a rescue group and the animal is euthanized for one reason or the other. I understand the reasoning behind the euthanasia. I know that what I do really makes a difference for getting an animal into a loving home or rescue group, but I'm really getting discouraged and it's getting harder and harder for me to keep going and really put my heart into it. I continually am stressed and pushed to find a placement for an adoptable animal before its time is up. I've been doing this for almost 2 years now and quite often managed to pull off "miracles" with the help of the Internet, rescue groups and other folks who love animals. Still, I'm discouraged and worn out.Response from Linda:
Your work has obviously saved many precious lives and found them loving homes. That is something to feel very good about. Keep plenty of reminders around you about those "miracles." One "practical" suggestion (and perhaps you already do this) is to make sure that some of the other staff/volunteers/administration are completely aware of all of your efforts for the various animals through an information sheet that might be passed around every week. I am sure the organization would want to give the animals that you might be featuring every possible chance to have the time to be noticed.You say that you know that you are doing wonderful work and of course, you are, but I can't ignore your words that you are feel so "discouraged and worn out." This usually means that it is time to give some serious self-reflection to what you are doing and perhaps take a break from this part of animal rescue for awhile or explore ways to change what you are doing that could feel more encouraging and replenishing. It is also possible you are not taking enough time for yourself, doing other things in your life that nurture your soul. Perhaps some of my general tips for animal lovers to help deal with their emotions around animal death may also offer some comfort. (See the post on Ideas and Perspectives for Managing Our Emotions About the Loss of Animal Life)
Making the decision to euthanize
Question from Pat:
I had to make the decision to euthanize a litter of rabbits at our local shelter, a surprise litter from a rabbit that was due to be spayed that week. Our focus is on re-homing the rabbits surrendered to the shelter and I made the decision to dispense with this litter for a number of reasons...Mom could go to her adoptive home immediately
We have trouble placing the full grown rabbits; offering 7 cute babies would slow the process of placing adults
No space to house them
Cost to spay/neuter too high, and finally
I HAD to make the decision quickly before Mom bonded to the babies
...lots of rational reasons to do it. I kept telling myself she wouldn't have been pregnant if people had been responsible. This litter should never have happened, and I need to help the neglected rabbits in our community first. Mom is in a wonderful home now, spayed, doing extremely well, but I still feel bad for having to make the decision, my first such decision. I have nine adopted house rabbits in my home, and I could only do so much... but still feel guilty about it.
Response from Linda:
Your love and care for the rabbits comes through loud and clear and it's important for you to feel good about all of the rabbits you are helping. Remember, you did not cause this problem and there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. But I understand how difficult and painful this decision was for you. I remember reading a book by Albert Schweitzer in his discussion about the need for us to have "reverence for all life." He acknowledged that there are countless situations in which all animal lives cannot be saved or spared, and even times when one animal's life might be sacrificed for another. But he believed that when we take these matters seriously and are willing to "struggle" with these kinds of difficult decisions, we are living the value of reverence for all life. That is what I see that you did. And as we all continue to struggle with these kinds of decisions, we keep working together for the day when we will not have to be faced with these heart-wrenching choices. Perhaps some of my general tips for animal lovers to help deal with their emotions around animal euthanasia and death may also offer some comfort. (See the post on Ideas and Perspectives for Managing Our Emotions About the Loss of Animal Life.)Comment from Mary:
In response to the euthanasia decision comment... I belong to another Yahoo group called "euthtechsupport" and it has been a tremendous help! It is a network of people who have to euthanize. People who understand what it entails. We don't "blow off" other's emotions when they "vent" (sometimes vehemently) to the group. So, if anyone is interested in some online moral support from others who understand, please join us.When an animal dies
Question from a member:
How amazing is this timing? I got a call not 20 minutes ago that a 4-month-old puppy we took in less than a week ago lost his fight with Parvo. I am so upset! He never got to live a real life. It makes me want to scream. He finally had his chance at a good life and his neglect caught up to him. If only he had been vaccinated. Why could he not have been given up sooner? Any number of small things could have saved his life. And now we have to turn around, and pick up where we left off, and try not to take it out on the next person who calls.Not to mention that as a director of the group, I am looked to by volunteers for strength and stability. I can't let them down by being a jellyfish and breaking down. I know I will get the phone calls within the next few days as everyone checks their email messages to learn of P. J's passing. Any suggestions on how I can be the shoulder everyone cries on, and still cry myself? Thanks.
Response from Linda:
I understand why you feel so upset, and your emotions are so fresh and painful right now! The sadness over the loss of the puppy combined with anger that the puppy's life was lost to neglect is tough to manage. There is no way the animal lover can ever feel okay with these kinds of situations. It's a matter of finding a way to deal with them so that we can cope and still continue to help the animals and the people whom our animals need!You do not need to hide your feelings to be a strong leader. Find a way to share the information and your feelings with the rest of the staff that works for you when you are ready. Perhaps instead of shouldering all the sad hearts and tears, you can find mutual support and comfort from each other. And don't forget the important role that all of you played in that puppy's life, even if it was short, it still counts! Perhaps some of my general tips for animal lovers to help deal with their emotions around animal death may also offer some comfort. (See the post on Ideas and Perspectives for Managing Our Emotions About the Loss of Animal Life.)
Being on a rollercoaster of emotions
Question from Kathy:
I've been on the rescue rollercoaster for 4 years. My organization is an all-volunteer, shelter network and despite tremendous increases in adoptions, spay/neuter program services for the public, media coverage and income, the exposure has lead to an overwhelming number of calls about animals in our area needing help. My coaster car is now stuck at the bottom.I've held resentment (not good, I know) toward a couple of financially prosperous shelters for not doing more proactive spay/neuter programs and for turning animals away. I feel that our organization is fervently trying to pick up the slack. Our no-kill philosophy has been to do everything medically possible to save the animal and, frankly, this is what keeps our donors contributing. While I know we can't save them all, I struggle between that reality and the desperation of knowing that the animals turned away will add to the overpopulation or needlessly die a lingering death. I don't like that it is becoming easier to tell a caller we just can't help, that I barely cry anymore when my foster kittens/cats die, or that I more quickly decide to put a sick animal down.
I'm worried that my feeling of helplessness is eating up my compassion and ability to relish the rewarding aspects of this work. After hitting bottom, I know the only way is up, but I need advice to get moving toward some balance.
Response from Linda:
It sounds like you have contributed to a very growing organization the past four years and that is something for you to remind yourself of and to feel good about!The feelings that you are describing: low sense of accomplishment, depersonalization, and emotional exhaustion are the classic signs of burnout and cannot be ignored another day or you will have nothing left to give at all. You have given so much to the animals, but in the process you are giving yourself away. Up until now, you have probably been too busy and too consumed in what you are doing to pay attention to the signs.
The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. I believe you could come back with a fresh perspective if you gave yourself the chance to be totally away for a set amount of time--physically away. During this time it would be helpful to get back in touch with the other parts of you; things you like to do to relax, for fun, interests not related to animals, activities with people. And experience the feeling of doing nothing at all.
Perhaps you could also determine the aspects of this work that are most draining for you and take a break from those activities or stop doing that part altogether. A significant change is necessary now. I know it might feel to you like you must keep doing what you are doing but in reality the opposite is true: you must NOT keep doing what you are doing, but rather make some changes so that you do not completely burnout.
Perhaps there is even someone in your life who can serve as your "coach" to help you follow through with making the changes you need. Then, make the commitment to take time for yourself every single day and set limits that will allow you to enjoy your compassion again and "relish the rewarding aspects."
When you honor your limitations and personal style, that authentic joy of giving will come barreling through again!
Comment from Kathi:
Regarding the folks who are burning out due to their rescue/foster/shelter efforts....I highly recommend taking a short break. Then find a local spay/neuter group that needs help. You can make a huge difference and not have to deal with the daily heartbreak. If you wish, you can stay in the background, help with fundraising, write articles for newsletters, do graphics...the possibilities are endless and the value is immeasurable. I personally avoid talking with the public when I can, because that's what stresses me out. But I know I provide a real value to my group with my computer skills, my writing skills, my business and administrative background, and my very flexible schedule. If you get a really good group together, you will find people who are good at communicating with pet owners, working with veterinarians, fundraising, etc. And everyone will be happy to do what he/she does best. Just proceed with caution, set boundaries, and then try to stick with them until you know you are with the group that feels right for you.
Then, when and IF you feel up to it again, the shelters and rescue options are still available to you. In the meantime, your efforts with spay/neuter may even have had results that make shelter work less stressful! - i.e., fewer pets to euthanize...maybe even NONE.
I miss the hands-on with the animals and the wonderful sense of accomplishment whenever a feral cat is tamed or a pet finds a wonderful home. But with this work, I sleep well at the end of the day and have more to give to my own 13 pets :-)
Another option...help get a No More Homeless Pets group started in your community.
For those of you who are thriving at shelter and rescue group, bless you!!! :-) It takes a really strong person to hang in there. And those of us who don't have what it takes salute you. Really. I mean that with all my heart!
Animal overpopulation is a problem that has to be attacked from many different angles at once. And if shelter/fostering/rescue work is not for you, that's okay. There are many other ways to make a difference!!
Helping animals when you are extremely sensitive to animal issues
Question from a member:
I am an abuse survivor. A family member abused animals in front of me when I was a small child. I am extremely sensitive to issues about animals. I really want to help but I have a very hard time handling any kind of information about animal abuse. I volunteer at a small shelter. I have found ways to help that don't involve actual rescue work. My personal history is getting in the way of me helping animals. How can I desensitize myself?Response from Linda:
I admire your desire to help the animals and your ability to be involved with them. Sometimes people who have these "extreme sensitivities" feel that they need to avoid animal welfare work altogether. Through my experience in counseling people who have had childhood traumas, I believe it is important to be able to accept where you are with these issues and give yourself understanding and empathy. There are so many ways you can use your gifts to help animals and contribute to their well-being without subjecting yourself to aspects that will trigger your emotions in your more sensitive areas.It sounds like you have already discovered this and are enjoying the work you are doing. Continuing in this way would be a healthy option; you don't have to push yourself to do more or "get past" your feelings. If, however, you decide you are determined to try to be more involved in ways that might expose you to images that would be hard for you to handle, I would suggest that you consider a few sessions with a professional counselor who could get to know you personally and gently guide and advise you on this journey.
Encouraging people to help
Question from Linda:
How can leaders of humane groups encourage others to pitch in in small ways, while at the same time encouraging very enthusiastic helpers to take care of themselves, too? It seems that there is that old struggle, that it is always the same few caring people who shoulder the bulk of the work, and I see them burning out, lashing out and even giving up. Can the kind, helpful voices somehow win out over the loud, angry ones?Response from Linda:
That's a great question, and it is not just about people in humane groups, but it is also about human nature. There are some little things you can try to do to encourage people to help in small ways, like telling them the scope of the need and asking them directly if they could do a little more, or you might try and help them to identify their particular gifts or strengths and ask for a specific kind of work from them. People are more inclined to help in ways that come more naturally to them.A more important point, however, is that the other caring people giving too much can't wait for these persons to pitch in before taking care of themselves. Part of being able to give of yourself in ways that replenish, rather than deplete, is realizing that life is not fair or even, and there is a very wide range of giving capacity among people.
From what I have observed over the years, people who are passionate about helping animals have some of the greatest capacities to give that I have ever seen! There are persons who can give very little of themselves, and we need to not set ourselves up for disappointment by expecting more out of them. So those "few caring people shouldering the bulk of the work" need to realize that they must find ways to take care of themselves and respect their own limits so they don't "lash out, burn out and give up".
Ideally, when we honor our personal style regarding giving and say no when we need to, we will feel good about the amount we are giving, regardless of how little someone else is doing.
Keeping your emotions in check so you don't take them out on others
Question from a member:
I'm a shelter manager. I notice that my reactions and emotions really affect the rest of my staff and the volunteers. I try to control my emotions, but at the same time, I am human. Seeing animals from cruelty cases or irresponsible people giving up animals who look so happy and have no idea what is happening to them gets to me. Sometimes I have a bad day too! Do you have any tips for communicating that when I am upset that it is not because of them and for finding ways to control my emotions and not cry or yell when I see these things?Response from Linda:
Of course you have bad days too! You love animals and naturally feel upset when you perceive them to be suffering. Continue to give yourself plenty of understanding and acceptance about these natural emotions; they reflect your values and who you are.What you CAN decide to control is how you act on or express these feelings. I think all of us working to rescue and save animals have learned that yelling at people who are giving up their animals will not do any good for the animals, so the urge we get to express our feelings so negatively is one we want to stop.
As good as this world can be, it is still very flawed. And although we do not have to in any way condone actions we don't agree with, it can help to try to understand and accept people for where they are in their own struggles with life. Sometimes the people bringing us their animals are victims of stress or abuse or neglect in one way or another themselves. Our best chance of educating people about how to empathize with animals and treat them with kindness is to show them what we mean by treating them kindly and recognize that they have feelings too. You might be the first person in that person's life to treat him or her in such a manner.
As far as the staff goes, communicate with them from the heart, openly and honestly. Don't try to keep it all inside. Take a break in your day and sit down with one or two of them, or structure a weekly "Emotions TER" meeting (Trapped, Expressed and Released) to talk about some of these emotionally difficult situations that come up. I would imagine that staff and volunteers are fighting some of the same feelings you are. Together, you can provide some support and a listening ear for each other.
Taking on more than I can handle
Question from a member:
I have a tendency to just keep taking things on until I am completely overloaded. I've tried to set limits for myself, but it's a tough habit to break. Do you have any advice about strategies to set limits in my life so I will not keep taking on more that I can really do?Response from Linda:
When it comes to helping the animals, I think most of us find that there can never be enough hours in the day. And because we love spending time with the animals and advocating for them, most of the things we are doing are enjoyable and feel meaningful, so it is hard to cut things out. Your words describe this overloading perfectly: "a tough habit to break."The first thing to do is to decide that you must make a change, NO EXCUSES ALLOWED, and then stay committed to that decision. A motivating factor in this decision can be to keep in mind that the natural flow of giving requires that you give to yourself so that you have more to give to others. Taking care of you is a key to continuing to be able to give to others.
Then, you need to reevaluate all of the things you are doing and the reasons for doing them. Are you stuck in a habit of giving because you have always done it? Do you feel you should keep it up, or do others expect it of you when you would really like to let it go?
If this is the case, consider giving some notice and bowing out of that activity. Ask yourself: are you involved in acts of giving that are draining you of energy? Or ones that you are beginning to resent? These are places to start cutting. You can even experiment with stopping some activities just for a little while and then seeing if you want to add them back in your life.
As important as each of us can be, there are others who can also take over. As Charles DeGaulle once said so wisely, "The cemeteries are full of indispensable people." I know when I first heard that statement, it was rather humbling and had a profound effect on the way I viewed what I do. What I do is important, but I am not the only one in the world who can do it. So, overall, make sure the choices to give that you decide to keep are not based on "shoulds" or expectations, but coming from an authentic heart, using your unique gifts, and with no strings attached.
Being understanding to callers without absorbing their emotions yourself
Question from a member:
Our group takes calls for help from the public, and volunteers return the calls. While there are many nice people out there, we all remark about how one hostile person can really wreck your whole day! Other times, people are crying or upset. What are some tips for being sympathetic and understanding, while not absorbing their emotions yourself?Response from Linda:
This is a good question that affects people in all aspects of life - a basic question about relating to people while maintaining our own sense of self. I don't think I have ever had a client who has not struggled with this issue in one way or another. It is a good psychological tool and rule of thumb when dealing with all kinds of people to decide to not take what they say personally. When your first encounter with somebody occurs when you are returning a phone call to try to help, and you are met with hostility and negativity, I can reassure you that this is emotional baggage coming from that person's own experiences and personality and you don't want to let their issues get anywhere near your heart or sense of self.I find that it can be helpful to imagine that that person is feeling scared and defensive - the usual reason people are hostile toward strangers. I can find some empathy for them knowing that life must be more difficult when approached with such negativity. I also remind myself to be glad that I am not struggling with those same kinds of interpersonal issues. I want to be at least one person in this caller's life who does not answer the hostility given out by giving more back. That would be stepping down to that level of relating. I want to set an example for a more positive kind of caring.
Have you ever noticed how easy it is for us to give one of our beloved animals some room for being crabby or temperamental or out of sorts? Perhaps we could consider giving even a small percent of that understanding or leeway to another human. We always want to stay focused on our values and beliefs in what we are doing; we still might get a bit shaken by another person's attitude, but we don't let it get to our core.
Difficulty letting go of rescued animals
Question from Lynette:
I wind up hating to rescue animals because I take care of them through the rough patches and then have to find suitable homes for them. It is so difficult to believe that others (some of whom I know threw them away in the first place) will take good care of my little charges.Is there a good way to look at rescuing kittens, for instance, that makes it easier to accept that they cannot stay at your "already-full" home of adult cats?
Response from Linda:
It is the nature of animal lovers to bond with more furry friends than is realistic to take into their homes, especially when we have been caregivers to a sick or helpless little one. Some animal lovers, however, suffer from the "only me" complex - the misconception that the animal will not be happy with anybody else. The common practice of building into the adoption process some kind of "home check," and the policy for the adoptive family to call or return the animal to you if there is a problem, may help relieve some of that anxiety. And once again, fighting the urge to adopt them all is a matter of considering new perspectives.Here are some ideas to consider:
By finding a home other than yours, you are giving the animal a chance to perhaps receive more attention than he or she might receive in a fuller household.
When you take in another animal, you have less time and energy to continue helping the other animals in need and less room for those special needs cases who may need your home temporarily.
There are many wonderful homes for animals out there, even if the human companions may not seem to be quite as committed as you are. I like to imagine that I am the "go between" for helping to bring people and pets together in some "big picture" way that was meant to be. We do our part, and then perhaps part of the animal's purpose is to teach that particular family about love rather than to stay with us. It's all about letting go of control and trusting that things will unfold as they need to.
Finally, when we are able to let others adopt the animals we would like to keep, we are great role models for the newcomers to animal rescue who are so inclined to adopt every animal they rescue until they are so full that they no longer have time to continue rescuing. We want to support and encourage the growth of animal care and compassion in as many households as we can.
