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Francis Battista is one of
the founders of Best Friends
Animal Society.

The Dogs' Dictionary

By Francis Battista

Dogs are hopeless optimists. By nature, they are inclined to interpret every click of the can opener, every rustling wrapper, and your every slightest move toward the front door as a sign that something wonderful is about to happen for them.

Emphasis on them.

This might be regarded as total self-absorption, but I prefer to call it optimism.

My optimistic four-legged friends have also redefined the meaning of most words - especially the ones they don't like, such as "No!"

"No" apparently means "Probably yes, if I pretend not to have heard him."

A stern, sharp "No!" means "Try again in ten seconds."

A deep throaty, growling "No!" means "Try again in 30 seconds."

When a massive head is thrust onto my lap for petting while I'm working at my desk, and I push it away with a distracted "Lie down," this apparently is taken to mean "I'm not convinced that you really want to be petted, so please repeat the request more forcefully until I comply."

"This biscuit is for Dingo" means "Time and biscuits wait for no dog. Grab it before Dingo gets it!"

Any movement toward or past the front door means "Start barking and carrying on because we're going for the longest, most exciting walk ever!"

This is especially true as the clock nears the customary hour for the "W-A-L-K." At this time of day, absolutely any movement on my part means "Bark and yodel with anticipation until we're out the door, then tear around and try to crash into as many dogs, people, and objects as possible."

If, in fact, we're not about to go for a walk and I yell "No!" in order to be heard above the din, this means, as stated above, "Try again in ten seconds!", which they obediently do.

This "Yes, yes, yes, yippeee!" attitude that dogs seem to have etched into their character is what makes them such a tonic.

So it's especially sad to meet a dog who has lost this bounce or has come to expect only bad things from life. And it's all the more rewarding to see it restored.

Of course, you might reasonably tell me that someone who has so much to say about how people should care for their animals should have a better grip on dog training. Well, possibly. But all this lunatic carrying on is what I find so enjoyable about having a house full of animals.

Besides, it's one thing to rescue a dog and quite another to have it behave like Lassie. Anyway, we all know what Lassie was really thinking: "Timmy, you better watch your step, because if you fall down that old well again, I am not about to make a mad dash back to the farm for help!"